Could You Be Fueling The Fire Unknowingly?

How we think affects how we feel.  How we feel affects how we act.  Often our thinking is automatic.  We don’t even question the thoughts that come to mind.  Our thinking can be fueling the fire that is consuming our love and happiness!  

 When we find ourselves acting in ways that cause ourselves and those around us pain, if we back up to what we were thinking before we “snapped”, we will find distorted thought patterns.  We are so used to our own distortions that we believe them to be reality. While they become our experience while we believe them, they are enormous limitations on finding freedom where we are and moving forward into a future of choice. You have total authority to change what’s in your head and your head only. 

While that might sound like bad news, when we change how we think it changes how we feel.  When we feel differently we take different actions.  Everyone around us is affected by the different actions and therefore, has no choice but to change as well.  Change yourself and the world changes by default.  How it changes is beyond your control.  How you change is within your control.

Look at the following categories of thought distortion and see if there is a distortion or two that’s limiting your potential for love and happiness right now:

• All or Nothing Thinking – you are looking at the situation, the person with whom you are in conflict, or yourself, in absolute, black and white categories.  There are no shades of gray.  Examples: My spouse (or ex) is a complete idiot, liar, looser, etc., or “I am a failure, worthless, loser, etc.” Your perspective has shrunk to a pinhole and the larger picture and a larger possibility is unavailable to you.
• Overgeneralization – you are viewing the current situation as a never-ending pattern of frustration, conflict, and defeat.  An example:  “I’ll never be able to find a home that I would want to live in for that!” or “She/he will always be like that!
• Mental Filter – you catalog faults, yours or others, dwell on the negative things he, she, or you have ever said or done, and filter out and ignore the good qualities. Example: “This is the tenth time I have asked you to take out the trash”, or “How many times do I have to tell you to close the garage door when you come home?”
• Emotional Reasoning – you assume because you feel a certain way that that’s the way it really is.  Example:  You feel like you’ll never be able to get on your feet again.   While we have real feelings, feelings are never the reality.
• Discounting the Positive – You insist that the other person’s good qualities or actions don’t count.  Example: Your spouse saw an irresistible deal and brings home something that he/she knows you have been wanting. You tell yourself that the only reason he/she got it is to manipulate you, lull you into some trap, or to save themselves money in the long run!
• Mind Reading – You automatically assume what the other person is thinking/feeling.  Example: “She’s late again.  She just doesn’t care about what’s important to me.”

 There are a number of other distortions which you will discover through coaching.  You don’t have to wait though…simply by beginning to become aware that your thinking fits into one of these distortions of reality you have stepped on the path of a new way to think, feel, and act.  It takes intention and dedication, one moment at a time.  If you forget, the pain is the reminder. The pain is not a punishment, simply a reminder that you’ve slipped into a distortion that you are mistaking for reality.  This path is always here, in front of you and leads to a new way of living where you hold the creative reins in the present and can direct your future intentionally and consciously.  You get to STOP adding fuel to the fire that’s consuming your happiness.

”Sweet are the uses of adversity,
Which like the toad, ugly and venomous,
Wears yet a precious jewel in his head.”
–      William Shakespeare
As You Like It

It may be that you’ve served the purpose that you were brought together for and now it’s time to move on or it may be that mistaking distorted thinking for reality has undermined your dreams.  You have the power to change how you think, feel, and act, and we are here to coach you to your power in the present and a future of your design. 

Contact Journey Beyond Divorce to schedule a complementary coaching session with one of our superb coaches.