Intimacy After Divorce: What's The Risk?

By Lisa Brick

intimacy (n)

in·ti·ma·cy[ íntəməssee ]

1. close relationship: a close personal relationship
2. quiet atmosphere: a quiet and private atmosphere
3. detailed knowledge: a detailed knowledge resulting from a close or long association or study

Both pleasure and pain are risks of intimacy post-divorce AND regardless of divorce.  Beginning an intimate personal relationship where two individuals see, sooth, and support each other is immensely pleasurable.  Individuals change. Individuals fall ill.  They die.  No relationship is permanent and in this, there is a risk even when intimacy is present and delicious.  Beginning an intimate personal relationship that turns out to be a disappointment rather quickly is painful. In time the pain fades, even when it feels like it will last forever, and the yearning for intimacy will return.  It is understandable to be wary of intimacy.

The benefit of journeying through divorce consciously

However painful divorce is, you've learned what you didn't know you didn't know about yourself and the world around you.  This makes you more awake and aware when you explore intimacy again.

You now see the seeds of disharmony that sprouted during your marriage.  You begin to understand why you made the choices you did, why you stayed in a stagnant or disempowering relationship, and what your role was in creating it. You've experienced that holding on to a relationship that does not serve you amplifies suffering.  Your experience allows you to pay attention to what is and isn't a good fit and address issues early on, before you have formed deep attachments, have children together, or blend your finances.

Because of what you learned as you journeyed through divorce you can now utilize those lessons to explore intimacy consciously, intentionally, and with increased emotional intelligence.  You are more aware and awake to yourself and any partner you are considering.  You can safely risk an exploration of intimacy, of creating and experiencing a relationship that is deeply enjoyable and rewarding, because you are going in with eyes (and mind) wide open.

What type of intimacy are you looking for?  

Simple sexual intimacy is the proverbial 'hook up'.  Soul intimacy is being with a partner who, in addition to being a sexual playmate, holds values and a worldview that supports you and him/her to grow physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Mature intimacy is sharing being alive, being stimulated intellectually, and appreciating a comfortable life together after sexual passion is no longer a vital or urgent aspect of life.

Be honest with yourself about what you desire.  Being clear on your objective makes it much more likely you will manifest it.

Individuals find, maintain, and lose intimacy at all ages.  Backing off from intimacy is a reasonable and legitimate approach to protecting yourself from pain. Yet what is reasonable and legitimate is not necessarily an optimal approach to living life. If you get burned on a stove and deny yourself the heat of the fire you will remain safe from future burns yet you will no longer enjoy the warmth and comfort the fire provides.  Like a stove, intimacy can warm, burn, and extinguish.  Avoiding intimacy due to fear of being burned or extinguished is a radical and limiting approach.

Knowing what you desire from a relationship, understanding yourself and what you overlooked, sold out for, or had been trained to accept in the past although it was not healthy for you, and  treading with awareness, self-honesty and loving kindness now and going forth will keep you balanced and grounded as you open up to intimacy in your life now.

If you are authentic and willing to reject and be rejected you are also willing to accept and be accepted.  That willingness is a very attractive force for intimacy.  

Find Out if Divorce Coaching is Right For You… click here

Lisa Brick, Journey Beyond Partner

Our team of coaches at JBD is passionate about helping men and women navigate the emotional difficulties of relationships, breakups and divorce. We work together with you to open the possibility that your current relationship challenges can lead to a rewarding voyage of self-discovery and an immensely more pleasing life experience. Together we create a path to clarity. Find out if Coaching is right for you, and accept my gift of one FREE session.