Trust Again? Fogetaboutit!

By Lisa Brick

A major issue around divorce is trust, particularly trust betrayed and the question of "How can I ever trust again?" Let's examine what we commonly refer to as "trust" and explore, given what we consider trust is, if it is wiser to ‘fogetaboutit’, at least as we've been practicing it, and begin trusting in a different way that will allow us confidence in ourselves and others again.

Trust, as it is generally understood, is defined as "a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something."

The issue with this common definition is that it is based on "belief", not on observation and analysis. Belief is based on a habit of mind or an acceptance that something is so with minimal or no analysis.

As you may have already experienced, intimately embroiling your life with someone who you "trust", "believe”, or have the "habit of mind" of seeing as trustworthy can be very damaging to your health and well-being. There are alternative ways to redefine and re-envision "trust" that will serve you more powerfully moving forth in your life.

Trust that is developed and maintained through observation over multiple circumstances and under varied conditions is dependable. This approach to "trust' allows you to come to "trust" not who you think someone is but who you observe them to be in different scenarios over and over again consistently.

Our ability to see another person for who they are rather than who we think or wish they are is the key.  When trust is betrayed it is in actuality our assumption or perception of who that person is that is inaccurate.  The other person is always being true to their nature, whether we are aware of their true nature or not.

There is a catch 22 to this type of trust.  Ultimately it is impossible to observe another’s true nature until we are proficient at observing our own. This means that we must look at ourselves without judgement, which tends to cloud vision, and with honesty and compassion. If we use justifications to cushion our shortcomings, blame to dismiss personal responsibility, circumstances to allow ourselves to back out of commitments, or avoid the sometimes uncomfortable conversations that are necessary for clarity we will be unable to see those behaviors in others.  We blind ourselves to another’s true nature when we blind ourselves to our own.

What are the basic tells that we are trustworthy or that others are trustworthy to the image of themselves they project or the stories they tell us about themselves?

1. The person assumes responsibility for fulfilling the commitments they make.
2. The values of the person drive their behavior and they always find a way to proceed that is aligned with those values.
3. Feelings and thoughts of others are allowed, respected, and considered even when they may bring up discomfort for the listener.
4. The individual is able to separate his/her feelings from those being expressed by another so he/she can process both responsibly with compassion and intelligence.
5. There is a strong desire coupled with action to come to outcomes that address all concerned.
6. The individual is transparent in their personal, professional, and financial planning and transactions that concern our lives.

You may feel it’s unrealistic for anyone to have this kind of integrity, compassion, and clarity. Actually, it is as realistic as you allow. By holding yourself accountable for this level of behavior and holding others able to do the same you will attract individuals into your life who are willing, committed, and able to live cleanly and honestly.

There is an approach to trust that allows us to see what’s real, trust ourselves, and begin trusting what we see in others.  If you are tired of half truths, lies, and outright betrayals yet want to be able to trust again, explore how in an environment of support, appreciation, and encouragement with one of our coaches.

Look out for Part II of Trust…next Monday!

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Chief Visionary: Karen McMahon

Our team of coaches at JBD is passionate about helping men and women navigate the emotional difficulties of relationships, breakups and divorce. We work together with you to open the possibility that your current relationship challenges can lead to a rewarding voyage of self-discovery and an immensely more pleasing life experience. Together we create a path to clarity. Find out if Coaching is right for you, and accept my gift of one FREE session.